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Ouch

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
   never be able to support you.

Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run
   95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Women are like guns. Keep one around long enough and you are
going to want to shoot it.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him
in! One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of
golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can
tell them apart.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told!

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad at me because every
Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if
Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let
her sleep.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex
drive by 90 percent... wedding cake!!